life update: firsts

This title seems a little pretentious. However, I don’t have anything better to replace it with. School ended on a very uncertain note, due to the virus. It is already the second week of Spring Break. I have done a minimal amount of schoolwork and a large amount of thinking. I did something for the first time.

I told someone my thoughts for the first time. Actually, that’s false. I tell my family my thoughts a lot of the time. I told someone, outside of my family, how I felt about them. It felt ( and feels) very out-of-character for me to confess. It didn’t seem like something that I would do. Usually, I am a person that looks very strong and, for a lack of better words, manly. I’m not the person to expose myself first. I don’t make many friends for that same reason. I dislike it when someone knows something about me that they can later use against me. I think… I think the worst of people, even though I know that they will most likely be fine with knowing things about me.

This confession-thing that I did is a first for me. I have been confessed to when I was in elementary school (and that was fine and all)… I just thanked them (but was an annoying person who would ask them things like ‘why’) and went on about my day. I can’t say things out loud so I wrote my thoughts out inside a card I made for his birthday. I told him to read it after others left (he held his birthday party at his house… this was before all the social distancing). The worst part is having to wait for his reply. I had to go help my coach with a small class of young children and the entire time, I was zoned out. I couldn’t coach properly, couldn’t feed the balls properly, and I couldn’t concentrate. Every now and then, I worried about how he would respond. Turns out, he had to leave and didn’t get to reading it until the evening. I continued to wait and continued imagining the worst-case scenario.

Worst-case Scenario: We would become very awkward friends. I have classes where I sit either beside or behind him. This means that every class I have with him will be strange. We are both going to do Yearbook next year. This will mean that we will spend more time together and it will be very awkward.

Okay Scenario: He is not awkward about it, says we are just good friends, rejects, and we go on being good friends. Maybe he likes someone else already. Maybe I can be his wingman. Just kidding.

Best-case Scenario: He says he feels the same and we can go on dates (like I watch in random c-dramas and k-dramas). We can have classes together and spend more time together studying. Yearbook next year will be more fun. It will be a good time.

It was very strange. I worried about it the whole day. I didn’t know I could do that. When he got back to me, he asked if we could call or meet up. The virus was starting to get around more, so I opted for a call. I was the world’s most awkward man alive. Who the heck starts a call with a potential boyfriend with, “hey bro”?? I really wanted to slap myself after I said those two words. We spoke for almost an hour. I got the best-case scenario. Then the social distancing stuff came around and now we can’t go outside with each other and now we can’t go on any dates. I am yet to go on my first date. Isn’t that funny. I have the best timing. Right now is a scary time for the world so I just hope this is all over and we can have a good time and finish school.

Other than that… : )
My sister is coming back soon. Her university has moved their classes online and she is almost done everything so she’s gonna come back. I can’t wait. I don’t have to call her online and have a bad quality video call. My brother is also very excited. My brother is very weird for an 8-year-old. He enjoys playing math card games and mahjong. My parents taught us how to play mahjong the other day and now my brother is obsessed with it. He has picked it up quicker than me (a child’s brain plasticity is amazing). I’m also trying to get my brother to learn how to ride a bicycle. Every day he is improving a little bit. He’ll get it soon. I believe in him!

I hope the virus will be over soon. I hope that no one else will get infected and that everyone gets better soon. Stay safe and don’t go outside unless you have to!

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