Comments on: Taken

By: Gloria Yin

Gloria Yin — Sun, 07 Apr 2013 23:08:23 +0000

In reply to Grace Yin. I'll try the lyric idea sometime soon. ~gloria

By: Grace Yin

Grace Yin — Tue, 06 Nov 2012 04:39:52 +0000

In reply to Carol Li. I am NOT rude.

By: Carol Li

Carol Li — Tue, 06 Nov 2012 04:36:10 +0000

In reply to Grace Yin.

Despite Grace’s rudeness, she is correct, you know Gloria. I’ve noticed many grammar things that you could have improved. I would like to edit it, but only if you let me.
Grace does have a thing for sad stories. Also, don’t put the theme of the story IN YOUR STORY. But then again, you’re only in grade 4. No time to rush.
Overall, I think that you should stick to stories like The Whole Entire Time. Those are very interesting. If I do say so myself.
~Carol Li
😀

By: Grace Yin

Grace Yin — Mon, 05 Nov 2012 03:18:35 +0000

“Then he went to a old church that was deserted, but it . . .” When you put the ‘then’ there, it disrupts the flow of the story. Don’t you think it sounds awkward there? And later on, when you put “Sad.”, it made the whole story seem to stop right there. At least indent or something. Some lines are nice, and are quite . . . fitting. The storyline’s rushed, and we can’t tell whether some things are placed now, or then. Or even his hopes for the future. You can also switch some adjectives (describing words), so you don’t have to always use ‘silky’, or black/ebony. Some sentences you have don’t have a beginning, middle and end. If you put ‘when’ for the start of a sentence, you have to continue the sentence, not just describe the setting and go. Other things I noticed:
You copy me too much. Sure, I don’t mind you putting a list of inspirations at the end of the story, but you don’t have to go as far as . . . the title and name-signing and the fail indenting. Your title . . . should connect with the story a bit more. Oh, and don’t write sad stories. They’re my forte. I think.
Don’t forget to use Shift + ENTER, they look nicer than a gigantic chunk of writing.
About the MV’s you watched . . . stop copying exactly. I can tell what songs you’re listening to just be reading a few sentences. Use the lyrics (the ones you understand), too.
~grace yin