Taken

Lots gone, lost in the past. He starts to fade without a warning. His black cape flies of from his shoulders slowly. A gust of wind blows on his long, silky, black hair. Wearing all black, he has gone back into the past. He is a child, again. He never thought he would never feel like this again. He takes a old manga he liked when he was young from a old bookcase, before the tornado swept through the house. The terror he remembers. Suddenly, he hears rumbling of a tornado. He knows he can’t save his family, but he can help them with some old friends. A clock burst. He fades again from the past and back in his lonely, black and gray, dark world. Wearing a black cape, black boots, and a old black robe, made of silk. He feels another breeze and he feels his pitch-black hair flow. He sits at the edge of a cliff, all alone. He hears a feminine laugh and a bark. He never heard it before. Not since the tornado. Not since when he hid himself from the outside world. The girl spots him all alone. She wants to see him and comfort him, in case he was lonely, which he was. After a while of talking and laughing, he started to feel better, and alive. Then he went to a old church that was deserted, but it was originally, his house. Which he used to live in before the tornado. The tornado was the one that killed his parents. Sad. He prayed for them quietly. He went to visit the girl but he got into a fight. And he never got to see the girl because he didn’t make it.

Sad story. I did this while listening Tornado, Superman Can’t Fly, and The Iron Box Of The Island. All of them are by Jay Chou, a Chinese singer. That’s where I got my inspiration from.

~ Gloria

4 Replies to “Taken”

  1. “Then he went to a old church that was deserted, but it . . .” When you put the ‘then’ there, it disrupts the flow of the story. Don’t you think it sounds awkward there? And later on, when you put “Sad.”, it made the whole story seem to stop right there. At least indent or something. Some lines are nice, and are quite . . . fitting. The storyline’s rushed, and we can’t tell whether some things are placed now, or then. Or even his hopes for the future. You can also switch some adjectives (describing words), so you don’t have to always use ‘silky’, or black/ebony. Some sentences you have don’t have a beginning, middle and end. If you put ‘when’ for the start of a sentence, you have to continue the sentence, not just describe the setting and go. Other things I noticed:
    You copy me too much. Sure, I don’t mind you putting a list of inspirations at the end of the story, but you don’t have to go as far as . . . the title and name-signing and the fail indenting. Your title . . . should connect with the story a bit more. Oh, and don’t write sad stories. They’re my forte. I think.
    Don’t forget to use Shift + ENTER, they look nicer than a gigantic chunk of writing.
    About the MV’s you watched . . . stop copying exactly. I can tell what songs you’re listening to just be reading a few sentences. Use the lyrics (the ones you understand), too.
    ~grace yin

    1. Despite Grace’s rudeness, she is correct, you know Gloria. I’ve noticed many grammar things that you could have improved. I would like to edit it, but only if you let me.
      Grace does have a thing for sad stories. Also, don’t put the theme of the story IN YOUR STORY. But then again, you’re only in grade 4. No time to rush.
      Overall, I think that you should stick to stories like The Whole Entire Time. Those are very interesting. If I do say so myself.
      ~Carol Li
      😀

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.