[insert synonym for respond]

I’m 17 now.  Actually, I’ve been 17 for 22 days. Ain’t that wild. Apparently, my age is surprising to many people. My parents weren’t prepared for my growth. My sister can’t believe I’m taller than her. My brother… to be honest, I don’t know what his thoughts are on this topic. Office ladies at school think I’m older than I actually am. I think I’m just me. It doesn’t really matter how old I am. I’m still me from the day before.

School is all I have been doing. School is all I can do right now. I’ve been putting a lot of effort into my one class: English Literature and Composition. I think I made too many mistakes. Papers and essays are difficult to write. My brain is getting slower and slower. My memory is getting worse. I’m getting more tired. I get more tired with every passing day. School is sucking the life out of me but universities are trying to promise a future. University applications are coming along. Scholarships are a lot of work. I hope I can get into universities. I think I can.

I think I use the words “I think” too often. Do I really think? We don’t know. I think I think. I should write something about this! An essay! For my portfolio! I’m just kidding, I already have enough work to do. Speaking of work, I’m not doing it right now. Procrastination is happening whether or not I want it to happen. I’ve been working on my procrastination habits. I think I’ve been quite efficient this year. Other than… my term paper. I procrastinated on that for a long time. Nevertheless, I got it done and it’s handed in on time.

The month of October was spent on AP Lit and Yearbook. It was the beginning of getting organized. September was very confusing. I was still adjusting to my new schedule. Nothing happened in October. I turned 17. I took graduation photos. I went shopping for dresses for that. Can you imagine that? Now, it is November and this first quarter of school is coming to an end. I’m going to do my homework now. Until next time.

eye bags and hand sanitizer

Those are the two most memorable things from the past 6 months. I have some very prominent eye bags.

Grade 12 has begun and I only have one class for the next couple of weeks. Despite having only one class officially, I have to figure out how to do the school yearbook right now. Hopefully, we can finish ours this year. There are a lot of ideas and there’s a lot to do.

I feel very drained already. It has only been 2 weeks since classes began. I’m very tired. I began waking up earlier in the day so I can get my work done and then do my university and scholarship applications. I’m trying to be a bit healthier (?). For example, I’m sleeping slightly earlier and waking up earlier. I prioritize, use a binder, have a planner (that I actually use), and keep myself organized.

I always have this feeling in the back of my head, telling me that sometime soon, my organized facade is going to crumble and I’m going to fall behind. I feel like I am usually someone who is not very put-together. I am usually someone that is frazzled when there are too many things happening at once. I’m trying my best to have my stuff together and be organized. Once I get home, I feel all the stress, pressure, and tiredness come all at once. I’ve gotten very close to crying yesterday. I didn’t even have a valid reason.

Anyway, I will get through this somehow. As I always do.

no problem

School ended about a month ago. Grade 11 has ended on an uneventful note. Quietly, school is over and summer vacation has begun. All that is happening, is happening in my head.

These days, my head feels quite stuffy. Not in a sick way, but in a more ‘brain space’ way. I feel like I am running out of space in my brain for thoughts. To be honest, I felt that way for the entirety of this year. I just completed assignment after assignment without having the brain capacity to think about myself. For the past 4 months, I have spent most of my time at home, laying down for hours on end. Just kidding. However, I have been spending more time laying in bed before actually getting up. I spend an average of an hour in bed from the moment I crack open my eyes to the moment I leave for the washroom. I realize that that is not very productive.

This past week, I’ve been able to let some steam out. It had been building up for a long time, probably since the beginning of this year.

2020. Very interesting year for everyone I believe. I think the main reason for my stress these days is because of Grade 12. I very much dislike my school’s environment. All the students do is compare, brag, and complain. It’s incredibly annoying, toxic, and depressing, so I try not to participate and I try to tell the people around me not to. Or change the subject because I can’t change others. Anyway. I was going to say something about grade 12. I can’t remember what it was though.

These past 4 months was a good break from that school environment. I got to take a break from people. It was a much-needed break and I will have to take some time to readjust to school when it starts. Anyhow, I will be moving on if I want to or not. Until next time!

no pressure

I don’t know how this happened but it is May now. I forgot to write for the entirety of April. March felt like the longest month of my life, April felt like the shortest month, and May is here… also passing by quickly. I have many assignments to complete every week and I have to study for my upcoming AP exam.

I think I’m giving myself more pressure than there actually should be. A lot of my assignments have flexible due dates so it doesn’t matter if I hand it in late. I just dislike how the text turns red when something is past due. I cram my homework in on one day because I sleep in and procrastinate. Honestly, my sleep and work schedule needs some tweaking.

Schoolwork is very boring. There is only one class I am a bit interested in and I have completed my work for it. All my other classes are academic and not much fun. I want to do something fun and more engaging than what I am doing currently. I understand that I shouldn’t go outside right now but I kind of want to. The weather seems nice, although there was a hailstorm yesterday after a large shower of rain. Aside from that, it’s been sunny and there was a weather forecast that said to expect the temperatures to go up.

I go through a cycle of sleeping in, doing homework, playing games, doing more homework, and staying up late playing games or cramming in the work that I had pushed to the side to play games earlier in the day. I’m working on changing that but it’s too comfortable when I wake up in the afternoon. I’m going to need more self-control.

Well then, until next time. Hopefully things will get better soon.

iNtErEsTiNg

The first month of 2020 was quite interesting.

As the year goes on, more and more bad things are coming up. Maybe I am just starting to realize that the only things that are news-worthy and help news companies make money are reports about events that threaten the well-being of the readers. Articles with headlines that draw people in with adjectives that seem to make the situation worse than it actually is, is causing some worries in my area.

Anyhow, I’m trying to focus my worries on my future. I get depressed when reading the news. I get depressed when I think about course selection. I guess I don’t have a lot to be happy for right now. I spend my spare time, or time while procrastinating, watching random dramas that are more exciting than my life right now. Perhaps it is more interesting than my entire life.

New Year’s Resolutions 2020

Shall I go over last year’s resolutions? I think I did a review half-way through the year as well. So maybe I’ll go through the midway ones. Grey is the original resolution. Blue is the comment that I made in June. Black is me Right Now.

  1. Arrange work in a more organized way (actually follow a schedule!)
    I like to think that I have organized my work in relatively well order. However, I have placed myself in a hard position where assignments were slightly piling up and I was stressing myself out.
    I have begun to prioritize things. There’s no specific order. I think I still need to figure out a better system though. To keep my desk less cluttered.
  2. Be more outgoing! Maybe do some work experience this year…
    I did and am doing work experience. I also went outside more often with classmates. I made more friends this year. Very good!
    I went places with my friends in 2019. Fun! Became better friends with some people and learned how to talk in a better way to people.
  3. Try to… have more self-awareness?? Also be more aware of others and where I am among them.
    I seem to be too aware these days. I am too wary of myself ad my actions. Kind of tiring but it helps me understand others better. Others are also humans and have feelings and are unpredictable (as much as I’d like to predict other people…)
    I am more aware. And I have developed a voice that I use specifically when ordering things and talking to teachers.
  4. Draw, read, and write more often to keep the creative process ongoing.
    I drew throughout the year in art class and in English. I went to the library more often this year and read more books. I still have more books that I want to read. I also have many ideas for things to write about. I will get to them after summer vacation is fully in swing.
    In the first half of the year, I was more creative. In the second half, I was more occupied. I also did not take an art class. Will work on this one more.
  5. Put more effort towards friends. (For example: go out with them, help them, be more caring, talk to them more, etc.)
    I WENT OUT TODAY WITH FRIENDS. I realized that I am accidentally in many friend groups at once. Tiring as well… That’s not their fault, it’s my own for thinking too much probably.
    I have narrowed down my friend group. I don’t know if I really have any friends, but I think I have at least one.
  6. Be more mature (how vague…) and think more before acting. Think about the consequences, how my action can affect others, and how I feel.
    I think I think a lot more now. A lot more.
    Lots think. Yes.
  7. Improve handwriting. Printing. I don’t know, just more… good-looking.
    I completely forgot about this one and I actually think that my printing has gotten worse.
    My printing has gotten better, to be honest. More neat and… I don’t know, mature? 
  8. Exercise more. Go for runs, practise more table tennis (maybe arrange for more practices??), and do stretches and other exercises more regularly.
    I play table tennis for four hours at a time. I should do other exercises too.
    I still play a lot of table tennis.
  9. Plan ahead. Like… uh… Watch out for deadlines and get things done ahead of time so that I have time to look things over and get things done to the best of my ability.
    Kind of redundant to be honest. This one is like number 1. Still needs some work, just like everything else.
    Currently working on it.

Maybe I should make fewer resolutions. Perhaps I’ll go about growth in steps. Smaller steps.

  1. Stay on task. Close other tabs when there is a deadline. Resist the urge to check the phone.
  2. Exercise certain areas at least twice a week.
  3. Clean room and desk regularly.

That’s it. Start small I guess. 2020. We’ll see how it turns out.

just another year – 2019

It has been another year. 2019 has come and gone. I feel that I have changed a lot this year. Not only in age but also in terms of my thinking. Many things occurred this year and different things are on my mind. I worry about more things. Hm. It has been an interesting year.

  1. January: I was still in grade ten. I was adjusting to the fact that I was in grade ten and 15 years old. I sent my sister had flown back in December and left during this month back to Toronto. I had skipped school that day to send her off with my dad. People cried. I didn’t, just a single tear that didn’t even fall 🙂 . School proceeded.
  2. February: Snow! It snowed a bit and school continued. Our table tennis team won third place in the provincial championship.
  3. March: Spring began. I got lots of allergies to the pollen and grass. My dad’s birthday! And spring break, where I went on lots of walks.
  4. April: More spring allergies. My brother turned 8! That’s how old I was when he was born. So weird. I am my brother’s age multiplied by two. My brother also did his First Communion. A day before his birthday.
  5. May: My sister finished her first year of university and came back for her summer vacation. My brother’s school held a fair and we went together.
  6. June: I was finishing up grade ten. I went outside on walks a lot with my sister and the family. My sister flew to Shanghai before us during this month. School finished up very well! I finally got a good report card (straight A). I did a provincial exam and got a very good mark.
  7. July: I went to the Richmond Night Market for the first time with friends. Now it seems sort of funny how some things turn out. I went to Shanghai around the end of the month. Lots of mosquitos. Very hot. Every day was a workout. Lots of restaurants. Lots of taxis. Lots of QR codes. Lots of worrying. Lots of practicing my Shanghainese and Mandarin.
  8. August: We went to Taipei for a week. This stay was extended by around three days because of some typhoons. We had to switch hotels once. I would like to visit Taipei another time. It’s a very nice and clean place to be. People are nice there too. We went back to Shanghai after and we celebrated my paternal grandfather’s 90th birthday. I got to wear a fancy purple dress. I organized a slideshow of pictures to play at the restaurant. I used my terrible Mandarin to communicate with a guy at the restaurant to help me set it up. I almost forgot I went to karaoke with my siblings and cousins. And we had hot pot with them. Lots of fun. On the last day, we had to visit my grandfather in the hospital. Lots of thinking was done.
  9. September: Slept lots until school started. Grade 11. Schedule was great. Except they messed up a class and didn’t fix it until I went to find them and still had to wait an hour for my counsellor to show up and get to me. My friends are in two of my classes. That’s nice. I get to see them every day. Which makes the class more fun! Sometime near the end of this month, I made some people unhappy and that has led to a more awkward relationship with them. I don’t know whose fault it is. I like to think it’s not mine.
  10. October: I turned 16! Fall. School was well underway. I started thinking about why I have friends. I cried once during this month. Weather turned a little bit depressing.
  11. November: Lots of tests and crying over procrastination. Lots of think-thank-thonk. Felt bad because my English mark was very low. Also, I don’t really understand my teacher. Oh well. That’s something to work on this year.
  12. December: Lots of studying went down to bring my math mark back up after being roasted by my teacher. Lots of studying in bio to make sure I wasn’t failing too badly. I’m not even failing any classes, yet I still fail myself a lot of the time. Haha. : )

And now, it’s 2020. One more year until high school graduation. By the end of this year, I will have to have made up my mind. I need to choose a university to go to. I need to choose a Thing that I want to do. But I still don’t know. : ) I guess I’ll figure it out later.

I hope this year is better. I hope this decade is better. I hope things get better. Somehow. I hope I get better. At stuff. : ) Happy New Year!

2020 . 0101

real life

What do I want to do in the future? Which university do I want to go to? What do I want to major in? What job do I want?

Everything at school is now turning to what I want to do. Originally, I felt like that was a good thing. Having choices and freedom; those are some pretty important things. I just don’t know what to do with myself.

I’m 16 now. I can technically go get my L license for driving. Sometime. I should do it soon. Or maybe not. I don’t know.

The time I am having at school is not a great one. I think I messed up my year in the first month of it. I did something. Now someone is still unhappy with me. I don’t know what to do. Should I confront them about it? Should I just let it marinate until we forget about it? I feel like I should ask them about it next week. (yes)

Back to what I want. The things that I want are… to be happy and to go to a place where I feel relaxed. I’m constantly in a state of nervousness or worrying, which is not a wonderful feeling to have all the time. I open an app and I suddenly remember homework, appointments, and projects that I have to do. I’m reminded because of people. People only talk to me about homework. I only have friends because we did a project together or we sat together or they have something that they want from me. I want to have a friendship that relies more on the time that we spend together. Can I just have fun and relax? I don’t want to have to be constantly thinking about work.

I want to have fun and friends that are willing to have fun with me. I don’t know. There doesn’t seem to be many people that are willing to do that with me. Or is it me? Am I not willing to go out with other people? Is that why no one asks me? (yes)

I guess I will have to think about this more. But I don’t have that much time these days due to homework. (and procrastination)

Until next time I suppose.