The train whizzes by. You say ‘Let’s go.’ but I don’t. I liked staying in the gray field, it was, well, different. A small breeze blows. I grab my shawl quickly, before it blows away. ‘It’s quite cold now, isn’t it?’ you asked quietly. ‘Yes. I think we should go. Now.’ I reply.
We leave. We go to the cafe for warming up. And for a snack. We sip our hot chocolate or who-knows-what in silence. I sigh. So it really is winter. Snow starts to fall slowly. The snow starts to layer up quickly right before our eyes. ‘It’s snowing’ I say softly. ‘Yes. It is.’ You say smiling.
Later, I had to leave for home. You say ‘Good bye.’ I wave at you. You walk on the icy sidewalk slowly so you won’t slip. You walk to your apartment. When you reach it, you unlock the door and you instantly feel a gush of warmth. You take off your coat and warm up in front of your fireplace. You sit on the leather couch, thinking of what to do.
Near evening, you get ready for dinner. You cook in total silence. Of course, because you are alone in your apartment all by yourself. After cooking you bring the food to the dining table. Just when you eat 3 mouthfuls of food, the doorbell rings.
It was I, giving you a wrapped up Christmas present. You put it underneath your tree. You offer me to come in and eat with you, but I say ‘No thanks I already ate. And I have to give presents to my mom and dad, and other friends and family.’. You say’ Okay. It’s alright.’ Then you see me off, ‘Bye!’
Christmas arrived quickly. I wait for you , because you promised that we would be celebrating Christmas at my apartment. But you never came…
This is a sad love story in Christmas.
3 Replies to “Waiting (Christmas)”
Paragraph one: Hmm, doesn’t it sound like ‘Periwinkle Twinkle’? . . .
Paragraph two: I see now why kids shouldn’t use ‘And’ for the start of a sentence.
Three: You shouldn’t have, mm, ‘us’ knowing what ‘you’ does, as ‘I’ don’t have X-ray vision. So we should only hear one side of the story.
Four: Same as 3.
Five: You should use quotation marks. They keep it neat. And spacing, I’ll show you how.
Six: “Christmas arrived quickly” Shouldn’t it be arrives, if you’re going to keep it all in the present tense? We also don’t know why that person left her/him.
Overall: Develop your characters more. Which means, show us more of their personalities. All we see are two people being polite to each other. And I know you’re trying to create a sad ‘snow is falling’ feeling in the end, but like I said, we have no idea what just happened. Care to explain?
Grace is only trying to be supportive, Gloria. But you know, she’s write.
You’re developing your writing style really well, and it’s good. But it’s like trying to cook a wedding cake when you don’t even know how to frost a cookie yet. You’re trying to do a writing style that is a much higher level than you are used to. Like I said, if you stick to your own writing style, then you can develop more.
Overall, I think that if you do more works like The Whole Entire Time, then your writing style will gradually improve into something really good.
I asked her, and she said she wasn’t offended. Although she said that if YOU said it, she’d be offended. Odd.