my lowered self-esteem

you do know what that means, right? hopefully. well, then let’s get a move on with that. i have a low self-esteem. i just can’t seem to type or write something that will be accepted into society as “good”. i look at my friends and they have something always better than me. what can i do? study? work damn hard? those are obvious. but no matter how much more i study, they are always better than me. ‘maybe you aren’t learning anything from studying’, ‘maybe you’re studying wrong’, ‘maybe you’re just not cut out for this’, ‘maybe you’re naturally like this, you can’t absorb information’, ‘you’re just plain stupid’. yes. yes. yes! it’s oneself’s fault. always.

so if i go like this in front of those friends, i foolishly chose to compare myself to, they don’t understand. it’s because i think too much?!?! maybe. but it’s completely true. they get asked to do cool things. they get these opportunities offered to them because they are ‘qualified’ as humans. they have connections, and that’s all that is getting them around in this ‘living’ thing that is going on for these mammals we call ourselves. homo sapiens sapiens are supposed to be the smart ones, right? no? oh, alright, i get it. the ones that “look” qualified are “probably” not? i just really want to swear really loudly right now. but i can’t. i’ll look like a “fool”.

damn it. this is what i get for helping my friends beat up people for them. since they are “helpless” when it comes to “power”. right? because of all this i have always been very hesitant when it comes to making friends. i can’t make friends until they approach me first. but the first friend i made at my new school 3 years ago now hates me because she betrayed me. not really. she hates me for always being with the friends i am with now. so why am i telling this out to the world? i want to complain. i want to yell. i want to beat someone up. so what good will this do? it won’t do anything. what will change after this? nothing. maybe i’ll feel slightly relieved. maybe if i play some great catchy songs on repeat.

what am i gonna write next? i don’t know. i don’t where this is heading. but this very fun and satisfying. i can now do something i think i am good at. yep, it’s called ranting to myself. and whomever would bother themselves to read this blurb of crap. this post has a problem. but no verdict. oh well. what am i gonna do with my “creativity”? my friends all agree that all i’m worth is beating boys up that annoy them. sure, i’m tall. sure, i run pretty fast. sure, i can talk back at them quickly. sure, do i look that frightening. i hope not. some people forget that i am the same as them. i still have emotions. i can cry. i can get really mad to the verge of crying. i can really like something. i can “feel”.

nobody i know will see this anyways and change the way people see me. i don’t care. okay, maybe i do care. i’m probably just over-thinking it. well, would you look at that. i am crying as i type this. great. wonderful. absolutely perfect. just as planned.

LOOK YOU BASTARDS OUT THERE. I HAVE FREAKIN’ FEELINGS, ALRIGHT? YOU ALMIGHTY LOADS OF CRAP, YOU SHOULD BE GRATEFUL, AND HONOURED TO HAVE ME WRITE OVER 500 WORDS ABOUT WHAT YOU PEOPLE SAY AND DO TO ME. YOU DRIVE ME UP A WALL AND LEAVE ME TO CRASH DOWN ON THE OTHER SIDE. HOW WONDERFUL AND NICE OF YOU. NOW LET ME STOP CAPS LOCK.

that was very refreshing. now let me push you off a bridge.

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